Starts Jan. 1, 2017. Re-watches in different months are recorded multiple times.
- Jurassic World
- The Birth of a Nation
- Doug Stanhope: No Refunds
- Do the Right Thing
- Kill Bill: Vol. 2
- Kill Bill: Vol. 1
- The Fog of War
- The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel
- The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel
- Dallas Buyers’ Club
- The Hangover Part III
- Rick and Morty – S3E1 “The Rickshank Rickdemption”
As my documented obsession with Community shows, I’m a huge Danny Pudi fan. So when I learned he had his first leading film role in The Tiger Hunter, I just had to see it.
I Googled it in July, and it turned out the film had been screened at a few film festivals last year. I assumed the theatrical release had come and gone, and so e-mailed the official website asking where I could buy a DVD.
The director, Lena Khan, personally replied to look out for a limited release this year. Ecstatic, I followed her on Twitter.
A few months later, I was casually scrolling through Twitter to follow up on my president edging us to World War 3 by flaming North Korea. Khan was advertising a screening of The Tiger Hunter in San Francisco on October 18th, with a Q & A with some cast and crew!
I showed my mother the trailer, and she was so hyped that she wanted to come too.
The film was fantastic, and after the movie, Danny Pudi himself appeared for the Q & A!!!
(At the time of this photo, I hadn’t showered or shaved for a week, and woke up two hours before the event. If I’d known Danny Pudi would be showing up, I’d have put more effort into my appearance. I look like a homeless San Franciscan who wandered into the theater.)
I approached him, introduced myself, and told him –
You’re my LeVar Burton!
(A reference to Community, where Donald Glover’s Troy Barnes is so overwhelmed by seeing his TV idol LeVar Burton that he just stares in shock.)
And Danny Pudi responded by bursting into a smile, then imitating Troy’s shocked face while I stared dumbfounded. This was really happening to me!
I touched Danny Pudi’s shoulder today. My life is complete.
“Can you fly a BlackHawk?”
“Can the Pope’s dick fit through a donut?”
“I’m. . . not sure?”
Ich was going to be the biggest Austrian superstar since Hitler!
You’re telling me, honey. I should be chained to a 6’4” Norwegian with a PhD in sucking dick!
I rewatched episode 7 twice. I’m still mind-fucked.
It’s really brilliant satire. Some points to ponder –
The Ricks and Mortys all share the same genetics. But minor differences in personality and circumstance (e.g. whether a Rick has independently invented a portal gun, a Rick’s level of balding) are still enough to lead to vastly different life outcomes.
Even though the Ricks are geniuses, the multiverse is a dangerous place, and they see benefit to banding together so they aren’t so lonely. But when they form a community, they all start exploiting each other.
Episode 9, however, almost made me start crying when I came to the Froopyland skit, and triggered a horrible few minutes of existential comprehension before I blocked it out.
The best argument for vegetarianism (and probably suicide) I’ve ever seen.
Very well put together film, anchored by LaKeith Stanfield as L and Willem Dafoe as Ryuk. The direction was riveting. Never a dull moment, and Adam Warbinger has another viewer for his forthcoming Godzilla vs. King Kong.
Episode 1 was hilarious. Episode 2 was a brilliant gut punch that I’ll definitely rewatch. It was all downhill from there.
No real series arc, Diane and Princess Caroline became so insufferable, and the twist about Bojack’s “daughter” seemed completely pointless.
The credits took me by surprise.
Richard Sakai and Nancy Cartwright from The Simpsons, and THE Judd Apatow.
Incredible. This was the practice ground for the guys who shaped modern culture.
“You should be, ain’t you homeless?”
“Not real homeless. I’m not using a rat as a phone or something.”
“Don’t be racist, man. That make you schizophrenic, that don’t make you homeless.”
“Wait, wait, not if it worked, man. No, if you could use a rat as a phone, man, that’d be genius. I mean, there’s like five rats for every one person in New York alone. Everybody would have an affordable phone!”
“AIDS was invented to keep Wilt Chamberlain from beating Steve McQueen’s sex record. You know, by ‘69, he was already number three on the all-time list. But ‘71, he would have beat that boy for sure.”
“I thought AIDS was made by the government to kill homosexuals.”
“Oh, yeah, that too, I mean, but Two for one.”
I’m sorry, man I just don’t scare people like you, man. Like, niggas know I drink juice and shit.
I can throw up on a stripper any time. Tonight, I wanna not throw up. . . on you.
“[Prof. Farnsworth] Relax, Fry, everyone we ever knew died thousands of years ago.”
“[Bender] Everyone we ever knew?! Ehhh, I never liked those guys.”
In the year 105105
If man is still alive
If robot can survive
They may find…
In the year 252525
The backwards time machine still won’t have arrived
In all the world, there’s only one technology
A rusty sword for practicing proctology
In a future year that ends with a 20
A shlubby merman’s gonna try to get chummy
He may look like a watery wimp
When in fact he’s a bloodthirsty shrimp
In the year 1,000,000 ½
Humankind is enslaved by giraffe
Man must pay for all his misdeeds
When the treetops are stripped of their leaves. . .
You know, all in all, I had a good life. What do you say the three of us grab a six-pack and watch the universe end?
Soldiers trust each other, that’s what makes it an army. Not a bunch of guys running around and shooting guns.
HYDRA was founded on the belief that humanity could not be trusted with its own freedom. What we did not realize, was that if you try to take that freedom, they resist.
The writing is actually pretty terrible. It sounds cool at first, but then you think about it and it makes no sense.
Though I loved Danny Pudi’s cameo as a SHIELD technician.
Yeah. I’m still trying to find a good DJ. By which I mean figure out what makes a DJ good, or bad, or different from a phone or laptop.
He probably doesn’t know his role yet. I mean, is he black Pierce, old Troy, or Shirley without a giant purse?
But,I can’t just burn up my cop drama. It’s my only chance at the mainstream success I need before I’m allowed to make weird stuff for money. It’s my American Graffiti, my Elephant Man, my Four Rooms, the Robert Rodriguez segment.
Every single one of you was gonna leave here except for me. Troy, Shirley, Annie’s gonna be President. Even Pierce got to die. And Chang goes to Hollywood.
Life is a big, dumb, pointless movie with no story and an abrupt ending where the hero gets shot by Dracula in the middle of a lunch order during an outtake. But somewhere in there, every once in a while. Annie reaches down her shirt. So we keep the cameras rolling, and we edit out the parts we don’t like, and we stop thinking about Chris Pratt so much, because it is not healthy.
Abed, we’re all on your side, so if you’re also on your side, it’s petty.
Dean, these temperatures are lowering our immune systems in a world that is swarming with weird people’s unvaccinated toddlers!
I have discovered the meaning of the giant hand. A hand has two functions, to grip and to release. But without both of these powers, it is useless. Like newborn infants, we grab what comes near us, hoping to control it, taste it, jam it into another child’s eye. But, the time we spend in control of our world, is the time we spend letting go of others. Ideas, stories, pride, girls in soft sweaters, video games, buttered noodles, grip one for too long and you lose so much that you’ve never held. This giant hand, was sent to all of us as an invitation. To increase our mastery over the power to hold on. And let go.
My name is Elroy Patashnik, and from 2006 to 2009, I was addicted to encouraging white people. It started as simple survival. The tech industry in the 90s, this face, this voice, they’re either gonna help you or hold you back. So, you tap the gas, because well, why tap the brake? Oh, you know, you know what you’re doing. This man knows exactly what he’s doing. I learned the cheat code. White people like encouragement. It really doesn’t matter what for. Now, that’s a container for liquid. I never felt like a sellout. I never laugh at anything unfunny, never said anything untrue. The thing is, and this will sound racist, white people are very discouraged, and very discouraging to each other. So, the day you start telling them, hey, just do what you’re doing! You feel like a superhero.
It’s you against the world, and you will not win. But, you get to make your moves. Not them.
There is skill to it. More importantly, it has to be joyful, effortless, fun. TV defeats it’s own purpose when it’s pushing an agenda, or trying to defeat other TV or being proud or ashamed of itself for existing. It’s TV, it’s comfort. It’s a friend you’ve known so well, and for so long you just let it be with you and it needs to be okay for it to have a bad day or phone in a day. And it needs to be okay for it to get on a boat with Levar Burton and never come back. Because eventually, it all will.
Yeah, like a real TV executive I was letting you guys work your ass off, because there’s no profit in saying no to an idea, but now that it’s time for me to commit I have to pass.
I wanna be 25 and heading out into the world. I wanna fall asleep on a beach and be able to walk the next day, or stay up all night on accident. I wanna wear a t-shirt without looking like I forgot to get dressed. I want to be terrified of AIDS, I want to have an opinion about those, boring ass Marvel movies. And I want those opinions to be of any concern to the people making them.
You stupid child. Nobody’s winning anything. Don’t you see? This means we don’t exist. We’re not created by God, we’re created by a joke. We were never born, and we will never actually live.
Lines between perception, desire, and reality may become blurred, redundant, or interchangeable. Characters may hook up with no regard for your emotional investment. Some episodes too conceptual to be funny. Some too funny to be immersive, and some so immersive they still aren’t funny. Consistency between seasons may vary. Viewers may be measured by a secretive obsolete system based on selected participants keeping handwritten journals of what they watch. Show may be cancelled and moved to the Internet, where it turns out tens of millions were watching the whole time, may not matter. Fake commercial may end with disclaimer gag which may descend into vain Chuck Lorre-esque rant by narcissistic creator. Creator may be unstable. Therapist may have told creator this is not how you make yourself a good person. Life may pass by while we ignore or mistreat those close to us. Those close to us may be those watching. Those people may want to know I love them, nut I may be incapable of saying it.
My umbrella concern is that you, as a character, represent the end of what I used to call our show, which was once an unlikely family of misfit students, and is now a pretty loose knit group of students and teachers. None of whom are taking a class together in a school which, as of your arrival, is becoming increasingly grounded, asking questions like, how do any of us get our money? When will we get our degrees, and what happened to that girl I was dating? As opposed to questions I consider more important like, what is real? What is sanity? Is there a god? Where’s that Pierce hologram? Jeff said last year he saw a Pierce hologram. None of the rest of us have ever seen it. So, if there’s a Pierce ghost on campus, I’d like to get a head start on busting it.
I told you cats don’t like me. They consider me a competitor because of my natural stealth and ambivalence.
You know, one of the most unfair lessons we’re forced to learn is that our parents are human beings. We wanna think of them as gods or demons, because then that would make us heroes. But give me a break. We all suck.
It doesn’t matter how mature we are or what resentments we carry. All that matters is that we’re all going to die.
The brotherhood of AV exists your petty factionalism. We serve only video, the one true queen, and her faithful consort, audio.
You work hard to earn your degree, and your school should work hard to make that degree valuable. So, why is Greendale Community College giving degrees to dogs? In 2001, a Staffordshire terrier mix named Ruffles took up residence on Greendale’s campus. By 2008, Ruffles had earned a Bachelor’s Degree. Not a two year degree, a four year degree. Where will you get your degree? If the answer is Greendale, prepare to get boned.
Oh God no, I never hope. Hope is pouting in advance. Hope is faith’s richer, bitchier sister. Hope is the deformed addict bound incest monster offspring of entitlement and fear. My life results tripled the year I gave up hope and every game on my phone that had anything to do with farming. What’s true will be true, Annie. Our job is to deal with that truth.
This is Ruffles. She’d like you to believe she’s a college graduate and a good girl. But Ruffles is anything, but… When Ruffles moved into her neighborhood in 2007, dead squirrels went up by 17%. Coincidence? Ask this bunny. Ruffles stole cookies from a Girl Scout, impersonated a lobster, has had 27 children with five different fathers, and, according to one local doctor, has worms. Ruffles might claim she doesn’t. Ruffles claims a lot of things, maybe that’s why Ruffles once spent time on death row. Ruffles, not a lobster, not a student, not a good dog. Paid for by humanity versus Ruffles.
All right. I, I’m trying to find the IT lady. My emails to her get bounced back to me in Aramaic, and when I call, I hear an undulating high-pitched whistle that makes my nose bleed.
Kid, animals have been murdering each other for 3 billion years. Birds have had their 15 million in the spotlight. The same as lizards and plants and they all just use it to murder, eat, screw and not invent Wi-Fi. Now we may end up saving this one, or blowing it to hell or making a new one. But we can’t do any of it while scheduling our evolution around the needs of the least lucky birds.
I’m not gonna hit you. And it’s not because it’s illegal, and it’s certainly not because I’m afraid you know karate because there is nothing about your performance that is believable. See, we only hit things, that effect us. I don’t hit water, or old mayonnaise. Or the air after a fart has dissipated. And I’m not hitting you. You are the worst actor I’ve ever directed and I’ve directed both Wahlbergs!
I was kind of born to act, Brita. When I do it, I can feel it pleasing the universe.
This is the worst acting I’ve ever seen in my life. The ghost of your father just turned his back on you. Your ancestors are clawing their way deeper into the Earth to get away from you, you make me embarrassed to have thumbs, I can see air quotes around you.
Oh my God! You’re like doing a terrible Vinnie Barbarino up here. But, like, I know you’re not capable of anything better, so, that’s why I’ve been so nice to you.
Now where I’m from, you accuse somebody of something, you better have evidence, or he better be a minority.
Parties are just booze, low lights, and loud music, so people can feel more, see less, and not have to listen to each other or themselves.
Shut up, Leonard. I’m not here. I’m just a figment of your creeping dementia.
Rhonda will let you in the records room. It’s actually your old study room. After you and your friends left, it was closed for sentimental reasons. And asbestos reasons, but it’s clean as a whistle now!
“Mm, give him space. Repiloting can be intense. New people show up. Regulars shift roles or even fall away. Season nine of Scrubs, Zach Braff was only in the first six episodes.”
“That son of a bitch. After everything Scrubs did for him? I’m sorry.”
Britta, when we met, you were an eclectic anarchist. How did you become the group’s airhead? Thank you? And, Shirley, you’ve gone from an independent divorcee striking out on her own to a bankrupt fry cook hoping for a call from her husband. Troy, your entire identity has been consumed by your relationship with another man. You found my Clive Owen Tumblr. And what happened to Annie the Unstoppable Go-getter? Well, there was that gas leak last year. Oh, don’t blame it all on the gas leak year. This was a four-year process. We went in one end as real people and out the other end as mixed-up cartoons.
If we sue Greendale, can I be a surprise witness? Wait. Don’t tell me.
[On Nicholas Cage] I don’t know, if I was in 70 films over 30 years, and I spent each one talking at random volumes, I might accidentally win an Oscar.
I’m not going to become Christian, Shirley, or a better Muslim. This was my religion. I thought the meaning of people was somewhere in here. Then I looked inside Nicolas Cage and I found a secret. People are random and pointless.
And don’t forget, if I fire you, you’re likely starve and die, so you know.
I can’t believe Pierce is gone. Yeah. Life is weird. It’s a container for all this little stuff, and you get caught up in it. And then, the container just… Pfft.
Yeah, well, if I wanted the Government in my uterus, id fill it with oil and hispanic voters!
Oh, did you hear that, Abed? We’ve been washing paper plates and making our own toothpaste. But don’t you worry. When we have robot bodies on the moon, we can share a free jacket.
I forgive you, but only to escape the established pattern of self-righteous indignation followed by immediate comeuppance.
Psychology has taught me the human mind has a tendency to rechannel separation anxiety in the form of frivolity and giddiness, and I don’t want us to waste our chance to acknowledge how much we’re gonna miss you.
Abandon fort! Women and man-children first!
Are you going to have another intense burst of compatibility with a girl we never see again?
I understand I’ve been crazy in the past, but…that doesn’t make it any less frustrating to be completely dismissed like this. I don’t know if you guys even see me as human anymore. I don’t know if it’s like a joke to you. Are all Asian men like a joke? If it’s like a racial thing. I’ve paid for my crimes. Underneath all the craziness, I am still a human, and I… I do want to make a difference and… Can you respect that? Please?
LeVar Burton and non-celebrity companion captured by pirates in the Gulf of Mexico.
Have you met the women that do like me, Jeff? Neither have I, but trust me, they’re bad people.
You think I’m spoiled? And you think I’m spoiled because it’s never occurred to anyone to do this? You’re not the Marco Polo of bullying me. You’re just another tourist taking pictures of a great, big wall.
Oh! You have feelings, huh? Have you considered putting them into your work? Your cartoons are monuments to joylessness, nervously assembled jokes based on nothing from your life or anyone’s life! You’re furious at me for being creative because you want to be able to create. You have all this rage and shame and loneliness, which I don’t even know how to feel much less understand, and you decide to put what on paper? A duck. Jim the Duck. You think I’m crazy. You think there’s something wrong with me. Jim the Duck?
Is the air working in here? I’m sweating like a Catholic on Judgment Day.
Father, forgive me. I have traveled so far from you. How many game days since the skull river ripped us apart? How many real hours since ive gone pee? We seek this necromancer. Why? Why? Our reasons are dreams, our dreams, dust. I send word on wings of sparrows, in hopes they might find you. Abed says the odds are near impossible. That’s enough for me. Should you receive this message, I know of a way to reunite. According to my character sheet, if I rub the blade of our magic family sword while you rub the hilt, twin beacons of light will reveal our locations to each other. Each night, I will think of you and rub, praying for the night fate will find us rubbing together. Your son, Joseph Gordon diehard.
I owe you nothing. I am a dungeon master. I create a boundless world, and I bind it by rules. Too heavy for a bridge? It breaks. Get hit? Take damage. Spend an hour outside someone’s front door, fighting over who gets to kill him? He leaves through the back. He’s out there somewhere. You might find him, if you get your crap together.
I’m casting a one-episode role for a part on a show set at a community college. Do you think you can make it to an audition tomorrow at 5?
I remember when this show was about a community college.
I am not well-adjusted. More often than not, I am barely keeping it together. I’m constantly texting, and there’s no one at the other end. I’m just a grown man who can’t even look his own friends in the eye for too long because I’m afraid that they’ll see that I am broken. So you get credit for that. One time, when I was in seventh grade, I told everybody at school that I had appendicitis. I wanted someone to worry about me. But when Beth Brannon asked to see the scar, I didn’t want to get found out, so I took mom’s scissors, and I made one. It hurt like hell, but it was worth it. Because I got 17 cards, and I still keep them in a box underneath my bed 22 years later because it proves that someone, at some point, cared about me. You want to see the scar? So you get credit for that, too.
Yeah, and I was pretty relieved when I found out it was a naked Asian guy, and not an angry trout.
Yeah, I used to regret not having a son to bring here. I’m glad I didn’t have kids. They just end up disappointing you.
Dean, what happened is between us and Jesus. And Jesus don’t snitch.
But to be fair, there’s not many things you could be stuck in. Elevators. Bad marriages. A peat bog. On a flight in the middle seat. Time loops. The bottom of a well. Your own emotions. Quicksand.
We must be a mile above the ground. That’s international airspace. We’re literally above the law. Jeff can marry any man he wants.
Has anyone else noticed Professor Duncan hasn’t been around for a long time?
This 1971 Bollywood classic by Ramesh Sippy is a favorite, in large part because of Kishore Kumar’s hit single “Zindagi Ek Safar”.
You are a human tennis elbow. You are a pizza burn on the roof of the world’s mouth. You are the opposite of Batman!
As someone who’s been on the other side, I can tell you – it is a scary, lonely, Chang-filled world out there. And sure, this group has sprouted some legs, but why are we in such a rush to leave the tide pool when the only things waiting for us on shore are the sands of time and the hungry seagulls of slowly growing apart?
Somalia has 1900 miles of coastline, a government that knows its place, and all the guns and wives you can afford to buy. Why have I not heard of this Paradise before?
Ha ha ha ha! Chop busted, fellow adult! Chop busted!
Hey guys, this is Toby, our pizza delivery guy. I know this sounds crazy, but we’re in love and we’re getting married.
Chaos already dominates enough of our lives. The universe is an endless, raging sea of randomness. Our job isn’t to fight it, but to weather it. Together. On the raft of life. A raft held together by those few, rare, beautiful things we know to be predictable. Us. It won’t matter what happens to us as long as we stay honest and accepting of each other’s flaws and virtues.
I suppose from a creative standpoint, some characters deserve to die. Ones that lack common sense or even a basic survival instinct. Your story’s not scary because your characters are making choices the audience wouldn’t make. Plus you need a smarter lead.
He’s not supporting gay people, they’re supporting him! If Mexicans were buying his wipes, he’d have ridden in on a donkey!
Jesus loves marijuana. Jesus loves marijuana!
What gets out Kool-Aid stains? We already know the opposite-colored Kool-Aid doesn’t work.
The dean had his seventh epiphany today, which has given me an epiphany of my own – the dean is a genius. He has to be. If he isn’t, I’ve given almost two weeks of my life to an idiot. That is unacceptable. Therefore, the dean is a genius and I will die protecting his vision.
Documentarians are supposed to be objective to avoid having an effect on the story. And yet, we have more effect than anyone. Because we decide to tell it, and we decide how it ends. Will your story be yet another sad one of yet another man who just wanted to be happy? Or will your story acknowledge the very nature of stories and embrace the fact that sharing the sad ones can sometimes make them happy?
Maybe forcing things to be bright just makes the dark things underneath darker.
Life’s too long to spend it with someone else.
Shame on you! Abed doesn’t need reality! Abed is a magical, elf-like being who makes us all more magical by being near us!
I am not a whore! And if I were, I would be a high-class one who gets flown to Dubai to stay in an underwater hotel.
She is someone who died thinking I was a dick. I can never apologize. I can never change her mind. That makes me a dick forever.
This world is run by the unremarkables. Don’t do what you always do, Abed. Don’t corrupt the host to pacify the parasites. Ask yourself… “What if I stopped worrying about their acceptance of me?” What if it fell to the Reggies of the world to keep up with the inspectors or perish?
Ten years ago, before he even met you, a loose bolt flew off a Ferris wheel and embedded in his skull, destroying the part of his brain that feels shame. He’s basically irresistible to people for the same reason he can pretty much only work at a carnival. He has nothing to prove or disprove about himself or to himself. He has no shame.
I saw Abed’s name in the hospital school files, I love butt stuff, I hate spiders, I stole a pen from the bank, I cried during About a Boy… The soundtrack… I don’t wash my hands before surgery. I can see why women find Clive Owen attractive to the point where I might just as well be attracted to him. I use comparisons to Hitler to win arguments on the Internet at the drop of a hat. I know nothing about wine. I’m more turned on by women in pajamas than lingerie. I just want to know they feel comfortable. I didn’t get Inception. I didn’t get Inception!
No, we don’t. We’re just in love with the idea of being loved. And if we can teach a guy like Jeff to do it, we’ll never be unloved. So we keep running the same scenario over and over hoping for a different result.
You’re telling me that after all this, our suspect’s going to slip away on the technicality that we’re not police?
Todd Jacobson, you have the right to do whatever you want. Nothing you say can be used for or against you by anyone, but we’d really like it if you came with us. Please and thank you.
I was going to be the first generation of my family to graduate from community college. Everyone else graduated from normal college.
The same reason anyone falls into psychosis. It was a mentally-compatible alternative to your gim reality.
When the world gets bad enough, Abed, the good go crazy. But the smart, they go bad.
Do you know what kind of person becomes a psychologist, Britta? A person that wishes, deep down, that everyone more special than them was sick, because “healthy” sounds so much more exciting than “boring.” You’re average, Britta Perry. You’re every kid on the playground that didn’t get picked on. You’re a business casual potted plant, a human white sale. You’re VH1, Robocop 2, and Back to the Future 3. You’re the center slice of a square cheese pizza. Actually, that sounds delicious. I’m the center slice of a square cheese pizza. You’re Jim Belushi.
Listen, you’re going to run. To that ravine. Go to the north where the sky glows at night. I’ll find you on that path.
“Hey, how was your summer?”
“I live with you.”
My name is Professor June Bauer, and this semester I will guide you to the very threshold of your humanity, where you will lock eyes with the shrieking, blood-drenched, sister-raping beasts from which we sprang. You will also have to make a diorama.
Shirley, would you consider spinning off with me? Just ripping, but we could open a hair salon together.
Shirley, since you have clearly failed to grasp the central insipid metaphor of those Twilight books you devour, let me explain it to you. Men are monsters who crave young flesh. The end.
Way to hog all the girls, Jeff. You know, when there’s three sprinkled donuts, you don’t eat one and then lick another!
“He thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls!”
“There’s no way to disprove that. Have you ever seen a cat penis?”
I can tell life from TV, Jeff. TV makes sense. It has structure, logic, rules, and likable leading men. In life, we have this. We have you.
You know what lawyers call someone who defrauds the state Bar, cheats on his LSAT’s, and cons his way into a firm? Best lawyer ever.
I used to run full-speed through the boundless wilderness, and now I’m in the zoo, where the horizon is wallpaper and the air is stale and nothing is ever at stake.
“Why me? Why am I look-out?”
“Because if someone comes up here, Kanye and Kumar get taken to jail. You get taken to dinner.”
Shirley, don’t sue a stripper. She’s a stripper. Life sued her and she lost.
I usually have one foot out of reality, and even I’m freaking out right now.
“I don’t understand! I treat my body like a temple!”
“I can’t be the first person to tell you that the temple doesn’t last forever. It’s made of hamburger! This is a temple of Doom! And like the real temple of Doom, it represents the inconvenient fact that all good things, be they people or movie franchises, eventually collapse into sagging, sloppy, rotten piles of hard-to-follow nonsense.”
The fact is that everyone’s dying, and we all have these little notions that we’re the exception, but we’re as wrong as we are dead.
I’ve denied myself, because the rules said that if I did that, I would live longer. But then, halfway through the game, I get this little update that it doesn’t matter what I do. I could eat powdered bran every day while you suck down figgy pudding and I still might die first. It’s unfair! I want my donuts back.
Look, the way I see it, while claiming to have no religion, you were actually devoutly worshipping yourself. And now that your god has high cholesterol, you’re trying to kick Pierce’s in the balls.
Life is designed to be consumed, used, spent, felt. We’re supposed to fill it with every miracle and mistake we can manage. And then we’re supposed to let go.
Shirley, I read the New Testament. You know, being raised by TV and movies, I always thought that Jesus just walked on water and told people not to have abortions, but he’s so much cooler that. He was like E.T., Edward Scissorhands, and Marty McFly combined.
“We need a Jesus movie for the post-post-modern world. I want to tell the story of Jesus from the perspective of a film-maker exploring the life of Jesus. See, in a film-maker’s film, Jesus is a film-maker trying to find God with his camera, but then the film-maker realizes that he’s actually Jesus and he’s being filmed by God’s camera. And it goes like that forever in both directions like a mirror in a mirror, because all the film-makers are Jesus, and all their cameras are God, and the film’s called ABED, all-caps. Film-making beyond film. A meta-film. My masterpiece.”
“I don’t like it.”
“Well, that’s okay. You’re reacting the way the world did to Jesus.”
“I’m reacting the way the world does to making movies about making movies about making movies. I mean, come on, Charlie Kaufman, some of us have work in the morning. Damn!”
I don’t even believe in God, but I love me some Abed!
When is life released? Every minute is another world premiere, and my Father’s already bought the popcorn.
Why name your daughter Megan? Are you stocking up for a bitch shortage?
At the apex of each bounce, there is a moment outside of time, outside of words, outside of everything. A perfect moment, a silent moment. I call it the World’s Whisper.
I wouldn’t do that. I hate bottle episodes. They’re wall-to-wall facial expression and emotional nuance. I might as well sit in the corner with a bucket on my head.
All you guys do is talk, leaving me to do the things you won’t do. People like you are the reason we took so long to get into Vietnam!
I caught in Abed’s Robocop gag last episode that he was tracking the women’s menstrual cycles. Thought it was an off-hand Easter Egg, but here it comes to glorious fruition when Shirley thinks she might be pregnant from a Labor Day tryst, but Abed reveals that she could only have gotten pregnant on Halloween. The episode prior was the Halloween episode, where she slept with Señor Chang, leading to Troy’s wide-eyed horror. This is the most epic joke I’ve ever seen! So subtle! Bravo!
This, Annie, is night school. Every teacher, every student, every class, figments! Puffs of hot air! From the lips of a ghost and the shadow of a unicorn’s dream!
Hello during a random dessert, the month and day of which coincide numerically with your expulsion from a uterus.
Yes, I wanna bathe in manhood.
Stop! Just stop! I just spent the last two years thinking that you guys knew more than me about life. And I just found out that you guys are just as dumb as me?
If someone has sex with Chang, and they get to not remember that happened, that’s a gift from God. I’m not taking that away from her without a good reason.
“Are you ignoring me because I’m Korean?”
“There’s a difference?”
The only reason we did this was for you and your stupid ideals. And now we find out that you don’t have any.
“I’m gonna deep-fry your dog and eat your mamma’s face! And I’m gonna wear your little brother’s skin like pajamas! I control your lives and there’s nothing you can do!”
“Let’s kill him!”
It was Jeff the Liar, son of Willian the Barely-Known who became concerned.
Troy the Obtuse, Shirley the Cloying, Abed the Undiagnosable, Britta the Needlessly-Defiant.
I’m the dungeon master. I have to be impartial, or the game has no meaning.
We are both interested in taking you to the Valentine’s dance, but we are also best friends with each other. It is of utmost importance we protect that friendship from the stress of courting you, so we’re trying to be as direct and above-board as possible. Will you go to the dance with one of us, and if so, which one?
Me and Abed have an agreement. If one of us dies, we stage it to look like a suicide caused by the unjust cancellation of Firefly.
I was never one to hold a grudge. My father was the one who held grudges. I’ll always hate him for that.
Keep in mind, the margin of error on this is 98%. Could be higher. We don’t know how to do margins of error. We talked to two people at a vending machine.
I actually withdraw my candidacy. I fear a political career will shine a negative light on my drug-dealing.
Two men fighting for a piece of earth. One recently born, one soon to die. A conflict reflecting the pointlessness of life.
“I seem to remember a man named Joseph who happily raised a baby that wasn’t his.”
“History’s greatest chump. . . We’re talking about Joe Kennedy, right?”
This [gives water bottle] is from me and Troy. When your child is a lone scavenger of the nuclear wasteland, clean water will be worth its weight in gold.
I’m just getting my act together. It won’t be long now before my hidden dragon becomes a crouching tiger. I can almost hear the pitter-patter of little Chinese feet across the tree-tops.
“Who’s Shirley? Our Mom’s name is LaQuanda.”
“Hey, HEY! That’s racist!”
Oh, where to begin? I mentioned my fondness for a program called Cougar Town. Here and there. I even started a fan club on Facebook. Not to accomplish anything. Simply to express my love for the show. It ended up being quite large, this fan club. And one morning, I think maybe early March, I got this Facebook message. A very nice message from the people who make Cougar Town. Looking for work? Heh. No, thanking me for support I generated for the show. And in the last paragraph, they said, “You could come visit the set.” Just like that. So I sold my action figures and bought a ticket to Los Angeles. What could I do? Two days after I got that invitation, I was on the set. Cougar Town. You laugh, Jeff, but the people were wonderful, not just the actors, but the crew. Everyone. There must have been 200 people, each with a specific function, but all dedicated to a single purpose. It was like a village or a living thing. I’m talking to the director and he says, “Jump into the background.” I say, “Jump into the background of what exactly?” He says, “Background of this scene. Walk through it. Walk through Cougar Town.” Well, before I can react, this girl stands me behind this patio where the actors are doing their scene. The girl says, “When you hear ‘action, ‘ walk from here to there.” I really started to panic, because if I’m a person that watches Cougar Town, how can I be in Cougar Town? The more I start thinking about it, the less any of it makes sense. I wanna run, but too late, the director’s calling “action.” So before I take my first step, I realize that I have to stop being someone who’s seen the show and become a character on the show. Become a man from Cougar Town. You know, someone born there, someone whose name is Chad. I take my first step, as a child, learning to walk as Chad. With each step, it becomes easier. I start remembering things from Chad’s life, like his first kiss under the big tree at Cougar Town field, playing soccer at Cougar Town Junior High, finding my first chest hair in the shower, my first apartment, my first true love falling for my best friend, birthdays, weddings, car crashes, taxes, playing charades at Thanksgiving. Chad had lived, Jeff. You know, Chad had lived more than Abed. And then they called “cut” and the scene was over. But I wasn’t ready to stop being Chad, so I said to the director, “One more take?” But they were already moving on. Courteney had nailed it. My lips started trembling and my hands and my feet went numb, my knees buckled, and as I fell to the floor… I pooped my pants. I did. Because the truth is, Jeff, I had been Chad, and Chad was dead. But as Abed, I was still alive, so someone helped me up. Wardrobe lady came. She gave me new pants. I thanked everyone, I apologized, and then I got on a bus and went straight to the airport.
After they get frightened by the evening news, many seek the comforting foods and soothing music of a pre-racial America.
Conversation was invented by humans to conceal reality. We use it to sweet-talk our way around natural selection. You know who has real conversations? Ants. They talk by vomiting chemicals into each other’s mouths.
Abed, the point being you don’t have to worry about being normal or real or whatever this is tonight. The world is a sick place full of sick, sick people.
Chang made me do it! He seduced me with his dark Chinese powers!
It makes sense. Everyone else is growing and changing all the time, and that’s not really my jam. I’m more of a fast-blinking, stoic, uncomfortably self-aware type – like Data or Johnny 5 or Mork or HAL or Kitt or K9 or Woodstock and/or Snoopy. And of course, Spock probably goes without saying.
I’ll give you the same advice my father gave me the night I lost my virginity – “Just pick one. They all cost the same.”
“My uncle put his finger in my no-no!”
“This. This is where acting begins.”
He refuses to drink Pinot Noir because he thinks it’s French for “black penis”.
Don’t preach to me about romance, Annie. I had a three-way in a hot-air balloon.
The pain of not having enough pain is still pain.
It’s hard to be Jewish! It’s hard to be Jewish! It’s hard to be Jewish in Russia, yo!
By the way, that guy was hard-core racist. Like 1800’s Disney style. We learned new ways to hate ourselves!
“It’s been a pretty dark year. Pierce got addicted to painkillers, Shirley’s having an unplanned baby, and Chang is apparently part of the group now?”
“It’s true. God hates us.”
You can yell at me all you want! I’ve seen enough movies to know that popping the back of a raft makes it go faster!
“Are you sure everyone should get A’s? Isn’t that a little unfair to those of who actually put in the effort?”
“Throw paper balls at her head until she sits down.”
Chang babies are always pre-mature. We gestate fast because we’re better at absorbing nutrients. Some need only eight months, depending on how much of the mother they eat.
You kidding? I’ll take what they give me. An epidural is a proper Christian woman’s only chance to get WRECKED.
I don’t want my baby’s first memory to be Star Burns!
This has got to be a Chang baby! Changs are never born in hospitals! More like taxi-cabs, hardware stores, bank lines, sewers. My nephew Jin was born on a treadmill at Bally Total Fitness! Twenty percent incline!
Can’t you see? Nobody needs to freak out. A Chang is always hearty to the core. We always come out healthy. That’s why there’s like a billion of us! You ever try Googling me? Can’t be done!
Do it! Make your money, whore!
Jeff, Pierce tainted our special handshake with his blood money and now we can’t get the magic back!
I didn’t even know there was a difference between North Korean and South Korean barbecue. I mean, M*A*S*H lasted longer than that war! Am I right?
What you need to do now is elevate your legs over your head while facing the North-East corner of the room. But try not to look at the door. That’s bad luck, and Chang babies are very superstitious. Also, if you can visualize a rabbit riding a dragon, it will increase his chances of winning lotteries.
I never told you this, but all Changs are born with tails. You kind of dodged a bullet there.
Can you believe that’s how we come into this world? Screaming, crying, and covered in crap? And then somewhere along the line, we get it into our heads that we’re destined for greatness.
“Math club, I’m Asian! Are you Asian?”
“That’s pretty racist, man.”
“That’s all I needed to hear. Don’t shoot me! Shoot him! He’s white and he’s out of ammo!”
A professional? That makes no sense. Why would someone who gets paid to do things be at Greendale?
“Whatever, pal, I ain’t in it for your revolution. I’m in it for me.”
“Abed, this was your idea!”
“I know, but I’m calling dibs on the Han Solo role before Jeff slouches into it by default.”
Damn it, Shirley! Forget about your newborn child and think about the people who need you!
I don’t take orders from girls! Because they don’t talk to me!
Jamal Malik is one question away from winning 20 million rupees. How did he do it?
A: He cheated
B: He’s lucky
C: He’s a genius
D: It is written
Professors, doctors, lawyers, general-knowledge wallahs never get beyond sixty thousand rupees. He’s on ten million. What the hell can a slumdog possibly know?
There are ninety million people in this city, Jamal. Forget about her. She’s history.
“Maman never forgets. Isn’t that right?”
“Maman can make an exception.”
“Are you nervous”
“What? Am I nervous? It is you who are in the hot seat, my friend.”
“Oh. Yes. Sorry.”
A few hours ago, you were giving chai to the phone-wallahs. And now you’re richer than they will ever be. What a player. Ladies and gentlemen, what a player!
There was no message! There was no message! There was no message! I will never forgive you.
[Watching Who Wants to be a Millionaire] “Why does everyone love this program?”
“It’s a chance to escape, isn’t it? To walk into another life.”
“Come away with me.”
“Away where? And live on what?”
“You want to do something for me?”
“Then forget me.”
“I love you.”
“So what? It’s too late, Jamal. Now go.”
“Guy from the slums becomes a millionaire overnight. You know the only other person who’s done that? Me. I know what it’s like. I know what you’ve been through.”
“I’m not going to become a millionaire. I don’t know the answer.”
“You’ve said that before, yeah.”
“No, really. This time I don’t.”
“Come on. You can’t take the money and run now. You’re on the edge of history, kid.”
“I don’t see what else I can do.”
“Maybe it’s written, my friend. I just get some kind of karmic feeling you’re going to win this. Trust me, Jamal. You’re going to win.”
I don’t know where they took her. Latika. That’s why I went on the show. I thought she would see it.
For God’s sake, please hold onto this. And for what I’ve done, please forgive me. Have a good life.
God is great.
The questions and answers.
1. Who was the star of 1971 film Zanjeer? Amitabh Bachchan.
2. A picture of three lions is shown in the national emblem of India. What are the words beneath it? The truth alone triumphs.
3. What is in Rama’s right hand? A bow and arrow.
4. The song “Darshan Do Ghanshyam” written by which famous Indian poet? Surdas.
5. On an American one-hundred dollar bill, there is a portrait of which American statesman? Benjamin Franklin.
6. Who invented the revolver? Samuel Colt.
7. Cambridge Circus is in which UK city? London.
8. Which cricketer has scored the most first-class centuries in history? Jack Hobbs.
9. In Alexandre Dumas’ book, The Three Musketeers, two of the musketeers are called Athos and Porthos. What was the name of the third Musketeer? Aramis.
With endless love we left you sleeping. Now we’re sleeping with you. Don’t wake up.
— Jim’s Parents
My parents and my sisters, we went to Paddington Station, hoping maybe we could get on a plane. Maybe we could buy our way onto a plane. I remember my dad had all this cash, even though cash was completely useless. About 20,000 other people had the same idea. Crowd was surging, I lost my grip on my sister’s hand, and I remember the ground was soft. I looked down, and I was standing on all these people, like a carpet, people who had fallen. And somewhere in the crowd there were Infected. It spread fast. No one could run. All you could do was climb. Climb over more people, so I did that. I climbed, and I got up on top of this kiosk. Looking down, you couldn’t tell which faces were infected and which weren’t. Then I saw my dad. Not my mum or my sister, my dad. His face. Selena’s right. You should be grateful.
Have you got any plans, Jim? Do you want us to find a cure and save the world or just fall in love and fuck? Plans are pointless. Staying alive’s as good as it gets.
“Well, that’s nice, but you should be more concerned about whether they’re gonna slow you down.”
“Right, because if they slowed you down. . .”
“I’d leave them behind.”
“In a heartbeat.”
“Well, I wouldn’t.”
“Then you’re going to wind up getting yourself killed.”
— Selena and Jim
Oh, great. Valium! Not only will we get to sleep, but if we’re attacked in the middle of the night, we won’t even care.
If you look at the whole life of the planet, we – you know, Man, has only been around for a few blinks of an eye. So if the infection wipes us all out, that is a return to normality.
— Sergeant Farrell
This is what I’ve seen in the four weeks since infection – people killing people. Which is much what I saw in the four weeks before infection and the four weeks before that and before that. As far back as I care to remember, people killing people. Which, to my mind, puts us in a state of normality right now.
— Major West
8 days ago I found Jones with his gun in his mouth. He said he was going to kill himself because there was no future. What could I say to him? We fight off the Infected or we wait until they starve to death, and then what? What do nine men do except wait to die themselves? I moved us from the blockade, I set the radio broadcasting, and I promised them women. ‘Cause women mean a future.
— Major West
Marge walks onto this ship. Smithers says, “Women and seamen don’t mix.” And Mr. Burns says, “We all know what you think, Mr. Smithers!” And that was my favorite ever joke on The Simpsons. You see, that’s what they’re doing a few hundred miles from here across the Channel. Across the Atlantic. They’re eating dinner, they’re watching the fucking Simpsons, they’re sleeping in their beds next to their wives. But we’re here, chained to a fucking radiator because the O.C. has gone insane! Starting the world again when the rest of the fucking world hasn’t even stopped! Just imagine! Just think about it! How could infection cross the oceans? How could it cross the mountains and the rivers? They stopped it! Right now, TVs are playing, and planes are flying in the sky, and the rest of the world is continuing as fucking normal. Think. Actually think about it! What would you do with a diseased little island? They quarantined us. There is no infection. It’s just people killing people. He’s insane!
— Sergeant Farrell
Watching Selena kill Mark was jaw-dropping. The black woman macheting the blue-eyed white male in a movie from the country that industrialized the Trans-Atlantic slave trade? Incredible! Things really do change.
One thing I don’t get is how the Rage virus works. It seems to just make people rabid and impervious to pain, but human bodies are still notoriously inefficient. The zombies would be a threat for all of a few days before thirst killed them. All zombie stories seem to share this problem – in absence of food and drink, what keeps muscles working? Fantastically, though, the zombies don’t require a headshot to down, being just infected humans.
A great consequence of setting the film in the UK is that there’s no guns available, making the zombies a much more frightening threat. I also like that the virus takes 30 seconds to infect an individual, avoiding the common trope of someone hiding a zombie bite and then turning at the worst possible time.
Jim’s one-man raid on the Army depot was pretty amazing. Straight out of Half-Life.
Chang is rich! You know what rich people can do? Be insane. We can’t!
“I was supposed to run a contest, not become a primary caregiver. The house is a mess, my pool is filthy, my car smells like puke, I’m late to everything, I can’t even spell sex.”
“You sound like every one of my married friends.”
“But I’m not married. I don’t want to be married.”
Baseball shouldn’t be just about business. It should be fun.
At one point, Rinku Singh talks about how much he loves Keith Urban and Eminem. Definitely pandering to white audiences.
A dramatization of the 1597 Battle of Myeongnyang, this Korean film features legendary Admiral Yi-Sun Sin taking on 200 Japanese ships with a fleet of 12, routing them using sound naval tactics and luring them into a whirlpool.
We had a prison population of 300,000 in 1972. Today we have a prison population of 2.3 million. The United States now has the highest rate of incarceration in the world.
The 13th Amendment to the Constitution makes it unconstitutional for someone to be held as a slave. In other words, it grants freedom to all Americans. There are exceptions, including criminals.
After the Civil War, African-Americans were arrested en masse. It was our nation’s first prison bill.
Birth of a Nation confirmed the story that many whites wanted to tell about the Civil War and its aftermath – to erase defeat and take out of it a sort of martyrdom.
The Klan never had the ritual of burning the cross. That was something D.W. Griffith came up with because he thought it was a great cinematic image. So it’s literally an instance of life imitating art.
[On blacks escaping the South for the West and Midwest] They were refugees from terror.
For years now, I have heard the word “wait”. It rings in the ear of every Negro with piercing familiarity. This “wait” has almost always meant “never”. Justice too long delayed is justice denied. — MLK
You understand what I’m saying? We knew we couldn’t make it illegal to be either against the war or black, but by getting the public to associate the hippies with marijuana and blacks with heroin. And then criminalizing both heavily, we could disrupt those communities. We could arrest their leaders. raid their homes, break up their meetings, and vilify them night after night on the evening news. Did we know we were lying about the drugs? Of course we did. — Nixon aide
There’s really no understanding of our American political culture without race at the center of it.
The objective reality is that virtually no one who is white understands the challenge of being black in America.
Let me be clear, not only do white people believe this [idea of blackness implying criminality], black people believe this. We are terrified of our own selves.
Dukakis had a double-digit lead over Bush before the Willie Horton ad, but after, Bush overtook him and won the election.
[On mandatory minimums] We’ve taken discretion away from judges, arguably the most neutral party in the court, and given it over to prosecutors.
95% of prosecutors in the United States are white.
[On “truth in sentencing”] We’ve done away with parole.
Dr. King, people forget, was not considered this beloved figure to put on a pedestal. He was considered one of the most dangerous people in America by the head of the Federal Bureau of Investigation.
If you’re in the prison business, you don’t want reform. You may say you do, but you don’t.
Idaho potatoes are grown, packed, and shipped by inmates.
If everyone insisted on a trial, the whole system would shut down.
They called the end of slavery jubilee. We thought we were done then. And then you got a hundred years of Jim Crow, terror, and lynching. Dr. King, these guys, come on the scene, we get the bills passed to vote, and then they break out the handcuffs. Label you felon, you can’t vote or get a job. So we don’t know what the next iteration of this will be, but there will be.
Black men make up roughly 6.2% of the population, they make up 40.2% of the prison population.
My one complaint with this film is that it misinterprets the Trayvon Martin case. If you’re interested in understanding the full dimensions of what happened and why Zimmerman was (correctly) ruled to be acting in self-defense, please read this series of blog posts by police officer Massad Ayoob.
You think astronauts go to the moon because they hate oxygen? No, it’s because they’re trying to impress their high school’s prom king.
Look at the person sitting next to you. I want you to extend to that person the same compassion that you extend to sharks, pencils, and Ben Affleck. I want you to say to that person, “I forgive you.”
Listen, it doesn’t matter. You lose the jacket to please them, you keep it to piss them off. Either way, it’s for them. That’s what’s weak.
I AM A SPANISH GENIUS! In español, my nickname is El Tigre Chino! Because my knowledge will bite her face off!
Donde, está, la biblioteca. Me llamo T-Bone La araña discoteca. Discoteca, muñeca, La biblioteca Está en bigotes grandes, el perro, manteca. Manteca, bigotes, gigante, pequeño, la cabeza es nieve, cerveza es bueno. Buenos dias, me gusta papas frías, los bigotes de la cabra Es Cameron Diaz. Beatbox
My dad will only let me take classes that let me help the family restaurant. It’s been struggling since 2001. 9/11 was pretty much the 9/11 of the falafel business.
Because I wasted fifteen years of my life on a man who left me with nothing but stretch marks and a foggy memory of two bland orgasms. And now it’s time to get what’s mine!
Who’s erratic and unstable now, Princess Gringa?
The soul train awards were tonight! You promised butt stuff!
Who did it? Mary Ann? Grandpa? Jackee?? Kumar??? There’s one Asian stereotype that does apply to me. Whoever did this insulted my honor. And they’ve got 24 hours to come forward or Mr. Miyagi here will wax off everyone’s score and the whole class gets a zero. Except you, Toby.
You are inside a throbbing, cosmic womb of creativity, and when this baby starts kicking, I cannot be responsible for your sanity!
You listen up, Pierce! I’m gonna tell you what my mother told me when I wanted to quit cheerleading. “You’re not very pretty. You have no boobs, and you can’t do a basket toss to save your life. But you made a commitment.” So pick up your pom-poms, Pierce, stuff your bra, and get ready for the team bus to forget you at a Taco Bell because life is tough. But we soldier on, and that’s just the way it goes.
I’ve always peed alone. Women have always hated me. I don’t even know when it started. Maybe when I got my boobs before everyone.
Jeff, you’re the cool guy. If you come, it’ll be the first party I’ve hosted where everyone didn’t have to leave in time to catch the news.
My ex-husband came by this morning and he asked for his ring back. It was his mother’s, and he wants to give it to his new girlfriend. Don’t get me wrong, the best thing that ever happened to me was him leaving, but I always thought he’d come crawling back and I’d get to tell him to go to Hell. He couldn’t even give me that.
Is that what you have to fall back on? Look at me, bro. Look at me. I have the body of a fifth-grader. If I was working with what you’ve got, she’d be at the Comfort Inn right now, giving me a Mexican Halloween.
Please sleep with me. Please. Pretty please. I’m so lonely. I haven’t slept with anyone in a very long time, and you are so good-looking. Please do me the favor of having sex with me.
If life is just a series of ridiculous attempts to be alive, you’re a hero to everything that’s ever lived.
You can do whatever you want; you just have to know what that is. For me it’s Lucky Charms and TV.
If you don’t like my music, you don’t have to listen. I’m an artist. I write what I feel. And I feel that you suck.
Do it, Britta. Seduce him. Draw out the tapeworm of Jeff’s old personality with the bowl of milk that is your sexuality.
This is Spanish 101. I know how to say “hello”, “tomorrow”, and “tables are female”. That’s all you’ve taught us.
Speaking as one of the meek, soon as I inherit the Earth, you a dead man.
All I ask is for you to keep filling the void in my soul. Let me rest gently on your pecs.
Abed, take it from a former Prom king. Real friends help me with things. Not vice versa.
Don’t gloat. You’re impossible to guard. Your eyes are too gentle and mysterious.
I’ve had relations with my high school boyfriend. We did it to Madonna’s “Erotica” on the floor of his walk-in closet. But he wouldn’t let me look at it. He cried after. And during. He’s gay now.
Don’t worry, kid. You’re going through a dry spell. In my experience, they don’t last more than 12, 13. . . years.
In my day, Friday night was smoke a doobie, feel up a gal, then get your teeth knocked out by a Republican.
To me, religion is like Paul Rudd. I see the appeal, and I would never take it away from anyone, but I would also never stand in line for it.
You know, we laugh, but the fact is, student-teacher relationships do happen, and they are a magnet for lawsuits, so we do stay vigilant. In fact, physically attractive students and faculty are placed on a watchlist and are ranked by their potential to incite fraternization.
Well, Jeff is kind of the dad of the group, so emotionally, this is like being told you’re our new Mom.
Girls are supposed to dance. That’s why God gave them parts that jiggle.
“We’ve slept together every day for the last three weeks. How would you describe me?”
“The best friend EVER.”
Yeah, not if you’re twenty-eight and fooling around with him. She’s eighteen. Her taste in men is still being established. Creepier and creepier dudes will start thinking of her as an option, and it all starts with Von. He’s a gateway douchebag.
Your study group is evil. And you don’t deserve my ice cream.
Fine, I cared, okay? I’m a girly girl. I like boys and I don’t like it when they’re mean to me and I don’t like it when they stop kissing me and start kissing my friends. I’m not that cool. I’m not Juno, okay, home-slice?
When you guys first came in, we were as wholesome and healthy as the family in The Brady Bunch. And now we’re as dysfunctional and incestuous as the cast of The Brady Bunch.
“What? We haven’t even kissed!”
“That doesn’t mean you’re not having sex.”
She says Valentine’s Day ritualizes a connection between affection and candy so girls can learn the ropes of prostitution.
Well, that’s the problem. What crap can she give you now that you hold all the cards? You shifted the balance like in a sitcom where one character sees the other one naked.
Oh, who are we kidding? Abed was happy being Abed until we sullied his mind with thoughts of love and romance and vaginas.
The truth is, lots of girls like me, because let’s face it, I’m adorable, and my aloofness reminds them unconsciously of their fathers. I’m more used to them approaching me.
Britta, I got self-esteem falling out of my butt. That’s why I was willing to change myself for you guys. Because when you really know who you are and what you like about yourself, changing for other people isn’t such a big deal.
I’m just glad I didn’t have to do the dumping. I mean, then I’d have to lay low for three weeks to look sensitive and to avoid questions of overlap, but as the dumpee, I can start making out with every girl on campus right now. And all anyone will feel for me is sorry.
You’re becoming dangerous, Annie. It’s those doe eyes. Disappointing you is like choking a mermaid with a bike chain.
If you have friends, you have family.
Anyone can be a lawyer. You can represent yourself. You can’t do surgery on yourself. It’s illegal. You can get arrested. And then you get a free lawyer.
I hope I get multiple personalities. I get lonely in long showers.
Don’t worry. I’m bad at holding grudges.
You’re more of a fun vampire, because you don’t suck blood. You just suck.
Oh! Gay. . . Gay, Gay, Gay. So Gay! Dark nightclub! Ahhhh ahhh! Throbbing music! Men’s Men’s Room stall! PENIS!!! TWO PENISES!!!! OH, IT’S GAY! IT’S SO GAY!!!!!
“I think I’m failing psychopharmacology.”
“Why are you taking that?”
“I thought it was a class about crazy farm animals.”
If God were edible (not that I’m Catholic), and He wanted to be loved, He’d be a chicken finger.
See, ladies? The universe operates on supply and demand. The more you take and use, the more it sends.
The entire campus is controlled by our group, our group is controlled by chicken, and the chicken is controlled by me.
I don’t need to use movies or TV shows to talk to people any more. Before I only needed them because the day-to-day world made no sense to me, but now everyone’s speaking the same language – chicken. I understand people, and they finally understand me.
For your information, I don’t have an ego. My Facebook picture is a landscape.
Can you tell us exactly what you did to end up here so we don’t make the same mistakes? Because if I end up 35 and celebrating a B in nutrition at community college, I’ll kill myself.
I couldn’t resist. Smashing the guitar of someone singing a slowing love song was on my “Quintessential College Experience” list. It’s a list of everything movies have taught me comprises a successful first year at college.
“He says I’m a terrorist.”
“If you aren’t, I’m sorry. If you are, I’m a hero. I’ll take that chance.”
No wedding ring. He’s a child of divorce. We can make fun of him for coming from a broken home!
Pierce’s universally-recognized esocial flaws made him the scapegoat. A lightning rod. Now he’s gone, so there’s lightning everywhere.
That sounds dangerous. My uncle was struck by lightning. You’d think it’d give you superpowers, but now he just masturbates in theaters.
After you found out I was Jewish, you invited me to a pool party that turned out to be a baptism.
They’re making us walk around with pretzels in our butts. I put mustard on mine like an idiot.
“You need to bang that kid’s mom.”
“Oh my god, that’s brilliant. Because anything he says after he’ll be saying to a DUDE WHO BANGED HIS MOM!”
Come with me if you don’t want paint on your clothes.
Of course you think that, Britta. It’s obvious from your name that your parents smoked pot.
Word of advice – if an Asian man says he’s a Spanish teacher, it’s not racist to ask for proof, okay? Ignore your mother and get right into that horse’s mouth.
Listen to me! Toilets and sinks! Things people always use and always need to get fixed! This is a life, kid. A real one. Do something that matters. Something that makes sense. – Jerry the Janitor
Someone make her a dude so I can punch her.
Who cares if you’re sorry? We’re still screwed! Be sorry about this stuff before you do it! Then don’t do it! It’s called growing up!
I’m not gonna be a plumber! I’m gonna be sophisticated, and have no job. Or a job where it looks from a distance like I do nothing.
I’m taking the boys on a trip. Money’s tight, so I hope I can convince them for one more year that motels are tiny little theme parks.
My dad wants me to leave the nest so he feels less weird that his girlfriend’s 20.
I have a counter-proposal. How about I point to you that we’ve never actually been friends, then laugh at your very well-deserved misfortune?
“Why does Abed hate me?”
“What, are you kidding? He probably hates America.”
Jeff doesn’t need a girl who doesn’t wear underwear because Oprah told her it would spice things up. He needs a girl who doesn’t wear underwear because she hasn’t done laundry in three weeks. He’s been to flavor country now! They should retire the table we did it on!
The chicken-slaughter opening is my favorite in memory. Also loved the scene where we see how a succession of drug dealers move in and out of the same apartment.
The media started taking an interest. The police had to intervene.
Welcome to Jurassic World. While year over year revenue continues to climb, operating costs are higher than ever. Our shareholders have been patient, but let’s be honest, no one’s impressed by a dinosaur any more. Twenty years ago, de-extinction was right up there with magic. These days, kids look at a Stegosaurus like an elephant from the City Zoo. That doesn’t mean asset development is falling behind. Our DNA excavators discover nev species every year. But consumers want them bigger, louder, more teeth. The good news? Our advances in gene splicing have opened up a whole new frontier. We’ve learned more from genetics in the past decade than a century of digging up bones. So when you say you want to sponsor a new attraction, what did you have in mind?
“Did you close the deal?”
“Looks like it. Verizon Wireless presents the Indominus Rex”
“Ugh, that is so terrible. Why not just go the distance, Claire, and let these corporations name the dinosaurs? They’ve got all the ballparks. Why stop there? Pepsi-saurs. Tostito-don.”
The key to happy life is to accept that you are never actually in control. Enough about cost! John Hammond entrusted me with his dying wish, and not once did he mention profits. “Spare no expense!”, he used to say. Don’t forget why we built this place, Claire. Jurassic World exists to remind us how very small we are, how new. You can’t put a price on that.
— Simon Masrani
A fictionalized account of Nathaniel Turner’s slave rebellion.
These books are for white folks. They’re full of things your kind wouldn’t understand. But I do have a special one just for you. And guess what? It’s the best book ever written. [Hands young Nathaniel a Bible] [Next shot shows him preaching in front of a portrait of white Jesus]
But I’ve gone back through this Word. All of it. With new eyes. I see now for every verse they use to support our bondage, there’s another demanding our freedom. Every verse they use to justify our torture, there’s another verse damning them to Hell for those actions. Lord’s spoken to me, visions of what’s to come. A rise of good against evil. The first shall be last, the last shall be first. Brothers, we’ve been chosen.
Think that’s about the Holocaust? That was about success, wasn’t it? The Holocaust is about 6 million people who get killed. Schindler’s List is about 600 who don’t.
— Stanley Kubrick on Schindler’s List
Hard work is fine if it’s a work of passion, but just to work hard to buy shit to impress people, you’re a fucking loser. An empty vessel.
Don’t fucking work hard. Dummy, you die at the end! Didn’t anyone tell you?
Jesus died for your sins. I’m doing it for your mere entertainment dollar, ladies and gentlemen. That’s far more admirable. Jesus never made you laugh. You never worked all week, fucking stacking pants at the Banana Republic or whatever you do and rushed home on Friday night dressed up to rummage through the Bible to see what crazy antics your slapstick savior was up to this week. He never made you laugh. He was a mythical, boring, unfunny fuck, and I love you more. Now watch me jack off.
He died for your sins. How does that even work? I fucking hit my foot with a shovel for your mortgage. And if there is a connection, why would you do that? Why would you die for someone’s sins? Your sins are the only interesting things about you dreary, bleak motherfuckers.
Hypothetically, you tell me what a good Christian you are, and how that good book has filled you with some effervescent loving light of Jesus that shines out of every pore on your squash. At the same time, you tell me about that time you kick-fucked a girl with cerebral palsy, and we’ll see who draws a crowd.
If you’re Christian, you get cheesed off with the Jesus, I got Jew-hating stuff to follow it. I mean, you are a shithead, but I can make you feel like you’re not the only shithead.
You know, in religion-bashing, Jews never get fucked with, because A: they don’t have the aggressive recruiting policies that other religions do. They don’t have billboards every thirty feet saying “Be a Jew or burn in Hell! Jew God is watching you!” They’re not banging on your fucking door with pamphlets. “We want to talk to you about Judaism.” So they don’t get shit for that. They don’t get shit because they’ve got that sweet Holocaust sympathy that will last for the next fifteen years until the last survivor dies or the History Channel goes out of business. And the Jews, to their credit, they don’t have the history of atrocities that other religions have. ‘Cause they fucking lost all the time.
The Nazis versus the Catholic Church? The Nazis only lasted a dozen years, and they got their ass handed to them in a high hat. Catholic Church has a far more prosperous and prestigious record of murder and torture and tyranny and oppression and nonsense. Not to mention the kid-fucking. And they’re still around and more popular than ever.
My brother’s a Jew, and fuck him too. I hate his guts for it. Not hate, hate-level. He converted because the only humorless cunt in his life that would ever fuck him twice, he had to cave in and marry her. Because he’s afraid to die alone, but he doesn’t mind settling for less.
It has nothing to do with some ancient tribe of blah-blah-blah. That’s not attached to your DNA. By the same logic, we all come from apes, but I don’t throw ape in every conversation, use ape to define myself, use ape as an excuse to defecate in my thumbless mitt and hurl it at you. I’m sorry, did I just splatter you with wet feces? I’m sorry, I had a rich ape upbringing and a rich ape heritage. Ape, ape, ape, ape, ape, ape! Anybody who defines themselves solely on their religion or their race or their nationality, if that’s the first thing out of your mouth, if that’s the first thing on your Myspace page. “Well, I’m an Irish-American blah blah” You got nothing else. You use that fucking trivia ‘cause you got nothing to say.
But every time an artist dies young, Kurt Cobain or whatever, it’s always the people – “It’s so sad, he had so much more to give.” How do you know? Maybe he was out of shit. He got all the money, he did all the drugs, he fucked all your holes, and that’s the American Dream. And when you’re done with that, you go, “Oh, that’s why they call it a dream. It’s bullshit. I’m still empty.”
Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people that you never met and all of a sudden you take pride in accomplishments you had no part in whatsoever and you brag about.
All that stuff, tradition and heritage. It’s dead people’s baggage. Quit carrying it.
Nobody bitches about immigrants taking their job if that person has skills of any level.
So, you know, I’ve got a little sore on my lip right there, to match the one that broke out on my dick from distress and. . . Yeah, yeah, well, you know what? I was a player, not a spectator in this life! I look at herpes like a skateboarder looks at a skinned knee when you play long enough. Ain’t that big a fucking deal. I’m an old man. I don’t give a shit.
Remember, always do the right thing.
— Da Mayor
“Me black! Me! I black! You, me, same!”
“Leave the Korean alone, man. He’s alright. He’s black.”
— Sonny the Korean shop owner
The fuck is wrong with you? This ain’t about money. I could give a fuck about money. You see this fucking place? I built this fucking place with my bare fucking hands. Every light socket, every piece of tile — me, with these fucking hands.
— Sal the Italian pizzeria owner
Now, a staple of the superhero mythology is, there’s the superhero and there’s the alter ego. Batman is actually Bruce Wayne, Spider-Man is actually Peter Parker. When that character wakes up in the morning, he’s Peter Parker. He has to put on a costume to become Spider-Man. And it is in that characteristic Superman stands alone. Superman didn’t become Superman. Superman was born Superman. When Superman wakes up in the morning, he’s Superman. His alter ego is Clark Kent. His outfit with the big red “S”, that’s the blanket he was wrapped in as a baby when the Kents found him. Those are his clothes. What Kent wears - the glasses, the business suit - that’s the costume. That’s the costume Superman wears to blend in with us. Clark Kent is how Superman views us. And what are the characteristics of Clark Kent. He’s weak… he’s unsure of himself… he’s a coward. Clark Kent is Superman’s critique on the whole human race. Sorta like Beatrix Kiddo and Mrs. Tommy Plimpton.
Robert McNamara, the Secretary of Defense for Kennedy and LBJ, shows us the realities of modern war in eleven lessons.
- Lesson #1: Empathize with your enemy
Lesson #2: Rationality will not save us
The major lesson of the Cuban Missile Crisis is this – the indefinite combination of human fallibility and nuclear weapons will destroy nations. Is it right and proper that today there are 7500 strategic offensive nuclear warheads of which 2500 are on 15-minute alert, to be launched by the decision of one human being?
I think the human race needs to think more about killing, about conflict. Is that what we want in this 21st century?
- Lesson #3: There’s something beyond one’s self
Lesson #4: Maximize efficiency
I was on the island of Guam, in his command, in march of 1945. In that single night, we burned to death 100,000 Japanese civilians in Tokyo. Men, women, and children.
Lesson #5: Proportionality should be a guideline in war
Killing 50 to 90 percent of the people of 67 Japanese cities and then bombing them with two nuclear bombs is not proportional, in the minds of some people, to the objectives we were trying to achieve.
He [LeMay] and I’d say I were behaving as war criminals. LeMay recognized that what he was doing would be thought immoral if his side had lost. But what makes it immoral if you lose and not immoral if you win?
- Lesson #6: Get the data
Lesson #7: Belief and seeing are both often wrong
Johnson said, “We may have to escalate. I’m not going to do it without Congressional authority.” And he put forward a resolution, the language of which gave complete authority to the president to take the nation to war. The Tonkin Gulf Resolution.
It was just confusion, and events afterward showed that our judgment that we’d been attacked that day was wrong. It didn’t happen.
We introduced what was called “Rolling Thunder”, which, over the years, became a very, very heavy bombing program. Two to three times as many bombs as were dropped on Western Europe during all of World War 2.
In the the Cuban Missile Crisis, at the end, I think we did put ourselves in the skin of the Soviets. In the case of Vietnam, we didn’t know them well enough to empathize. There was total misunderstanding as a result. They believed we had simply replaced the French as a colonial power and were seeking to subject North and South Vietnam to our colonial interests, which was totally absurd. And we saw Vietnam as an element of the Cold War, not what they saw it as, a Civil War!
Lesson #8: Be prepared to re-examine your reasoning
We are the strongest nation in the world today. I do not believe we should ever apply that economic, military, or political power unilaterally. If we had followed that rule in Vietnam, we wouldn’t have been there.
If we can’t persuade nations with comparable values of the merit of our cause, we’d better re-examine our reasoning.
Lesson #9: In order to do good, you may have to engage in evil.
Norman Morrison was a Quaker. He was opposed to war. The violence of war, the killing. He came to the Pentagon, doused himself with gasoline, burned himself to death below my office. He had a child in his arms, his daughter. Passerby shouted, “Save the child!” and he threw the child out of his arms, and the child lived and is alive today. His wife issued a very moving statement – “Human beings must stop killing other human beings.” And that’s a belief I share.
- Lesson #10: Never say never
Lesson #11: You can’t change human nature
What the “fog of war” means is that war is so complex it’s beyond the ability of the human mind to comprehend all the variables. Our judgment, our understanding are not adequate, and we kill people unnecessarily. Wilson said we won the war to end all wars. I’m not so naive or simplistic to believe we can eliminate war. We’re not going to change human nature any time soon. It isn’t that we aren’t rational. We are rational. But reason has limits. There’s a quote from T.S. Eliot that I just love – “We shall not cease from exploring and at the end of our exploration, we will return to where we started and know the place for the first time.” That’s in a sense where I’m beginning to be.
Brilliant documentary that gets major kudos from me for acknowleding the insane Japanese and Vietnamese death tolls of World War 2 and the Vietnam War.
I actually quit halfway through the film, deciding to avoid the sunk cost fallacy. I should have heeded the warning of this film grossing twenty million less than its predecessor. That’s generally a bad sign.
Popularity is the slutty little cousin of prestige, my friend!
— Mike Shiner
Nobody gives a shit but you! And, let’s face it, Dad. You are not doing this for the sake of art. You are doing this because you want to feel relevant again. Well, guess what? There is an entire world out there where people fight to be relevant every single day and you act like it doesn’t exist! Things are happening in a place that you ignore, a place that, by the way, has already forgotten about you! I mean, who the fuck are you?! You hate bloggers, you mock Twitter. You don’t even have a Facebok page! You’re the one who doesn’t exist! You’re doing this because you’re scared to Death, like the rest of us, that you don’t matter! And you know what? You’re right! You don’t! It’s not important, okay? You’re not important! Get used to it!
You know, I’ve always dreamed of being a Broadway actress, since I was a little kid and now I’m here, and I’m not a Broadway actress. I’m still just a little kid. And I keep waiting for someone to tell me I’ve made it.
“I’m going to destroy your play.” “But you didn’t even see it. Um, you know, did I do something to offend you? I’m so sorry –” “As a matter of fact, you did. You took up space in a teacher which otherwise might have been used on something worthwhile.” “Ok, well, I mean, you don’t even know if it’s any good or not. I didn’t –” “That’s true. I haven’t read a word of it or even seen a preview, but after the opening tomorrow, I’m going to turn in the worst review anybody has ever read, and I’m going to close your play. Would you like to know why?” “Yeah –” “Because I hate you, and everyone you represent. Entitled, selfish, spoiled children. Blissfully untrained, unversed and unprepared to attempt real art. Handing each other awards for cartoons and pornography. Measuring your worth in weekends? Well, this is the theater, and you don’t get to come in here and pretend you can write, direct, and act in your own propaganda piece without coming through me first.”
My favorite film is Synecdoche, New York, which also tried to encapsulate the human condition through an aging protagonist’s attempt at writing and staging a play.
I’m broke. I’m not sleeping, like, you know, at all. And, uh, this play is kind of starting to feel like a miniature, deformed version of myself that just keeps following me around, and, like, hitting me in the balls with a, like a tiny little hammer.
— Riggan Thomson
Birdman is shot so that it appears to be one continuous scene. There’s only sixteen detectable cuts in the film, and the super-long takes mean our all-star cast (it was shocking to see Zach Galifianakis outside The Hangover) ends up improvising a fair amount, giving Birdman the feel of a stage play. Edward Norton’s especially fantastic (as always), and the film left me with a sense of boundless freedom. I’m just a little person whose life really means nothing in the grand scheme of things, but that takes so much of the pressure off.
I have a dream, Mummyji! A most brilliant one! To outsource old age! And it is not just for the British! There are many other countries where they don’t like old people too!
— Sonny Kapoor
“Sonny! Do you love her? Sunaina?”
“Have you told her you love her?”
“It is because I love her that I must not tell her! She can do so much better than me, madam.”
“Women love it when you say that kind of thing. It’s a powerful aphrodisiac.”
“No, of course not! Go and find her at once, before she starts to believe you and you lose her forever! You can have anything you want, Sonny! You just need to stop waiting for someone to tell you you deserve it!”
— Sonny Kapoor and Evelyn Greenslade
Ken Jeong, as always, stole the show, though the racial dimensions of his act were painfully clear, especially with John Goodman’s character constantly screaming “CHINAMAN!”.
“Did you happen to see the driver of the mini-van parked out front? A short Asian guy?”
“They’re all short!”
“Hahaha, yeah, that’s so true!”
Possibly the greatest television April Fool’s joke of all time. After more than a year of waiting and merciless teasing, Justin Roiland, Dan Harmon, and the folks at Adult Swim just casually dropped the Season 3 Premiere on the Adult Swim live-stream. It should keep looping for the rest of the night.
It’s incredible. Like any work of true genius, it crams five or six plot points that could carry the story on their own into one narrative, resulting in a super-concentrated, pure dose of brilliance.
Apparently, the rest of the season will follow later this year. I can’t wait.
“I’m sorry you couldn’t have your own kids.”
“What are you saying?”
“I mean, we weren’t blank pages, were we? Like your own would have been. You weren’t just adopting us but our pasts as well. And I feel like we’re killing you.”
“I could have had kids.”
“We chose not to have kids. We wanted the two of you. That’s what we wanted. We wanted the two of you in our lives. That’s what we chose. That’s one of the reasons I fell in love with your dad. Because we both felt that the world has enough people in it. Have a child, that wouldn’t have guaranteed we’d make anything better. But to take a child that’s suffering like you boys were, give you a chance in the world, that’s something.”
— Saroo and Sue Brierley, Lion
I can’t wait for Garth Davis’ future feature directing efforts, and eagerly await his Biblical drama Mary Magdalene, starring Joaquin Phoenix as Christ and Chiwetel Ejiofor as Peter the Apostle. Bravo!
For the black man to come out superior would be against America’s teachings. I’ve been so great in boxing that they had to create an image like Rocky, a white image on the screen, to counteract my image in the ring. America has to have its white images, no matter where it gets them. Jesus, Wonder Woman, Tarzan, and Rocky.
— Muhammad Ali
Director Ryan Coogler is a genius for resurrecting the Rocky franchise with Creed’s son, and Stallone’s a great guy for going along with it. Michael B. Jordan’s absolutely riveting as Adonis “Donnie” Creed, and the mythology gags are neat. Especially love that Donnie’s love interest is a singer progressively going deaf, so we’re going to see some character development of the girlfriend. I hope Jordan gets to play this role into his sixties like Stallone did Rocky, and eagerly look forward to Coogler’s next film, Marvel’s Black Panther.
Created on January 1 2017, last modified on October 19 2017.